You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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