I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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