Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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