Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
