just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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