I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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