my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
