sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I need to stop coming to work sober
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
