No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
