I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
