please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
