Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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