I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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