my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
