im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
