I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
BRING THE BAGELS
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
