I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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