Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
