taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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