my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
as a side note pls kill me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
