I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
