Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
