I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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