I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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