I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
