Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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