Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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