She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
