I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
