I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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