My balls are so social today.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
