Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
