Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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