walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
