probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
