We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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