Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
