How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
