I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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