Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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