bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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