So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
