Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
