let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
