i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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