my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
