6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
