drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
