it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
