tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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