Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
