I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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