Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Pants are for mortals
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